If I'm supposed to be the default, the married man wonders, why do I want my wife to peg me sometimes? The one thing the kink community definitely has on vanilla sex havers is that they are, generally, better equipped to talk about it, less embarrassed to try new things, more open to the idea that sex and relationships involve a continual renegotiation of boundaries and preferences. Rather than trying to "spice up" your love life with imported sexual practices that don't fit your tastes, why not borrow kink culture's emphasis on dialogue and enthusiastic consent? The hottest move your sex life can steal from kink isn't handcuffs, it's discussion. Sure, our sex-obsessed yet sexuality-negative culture means everyone feels kind of terrible about their sexuality, but " vanilla privilege " is very much a real thing, intersecting in particular with the more familiar white and heterosexual privileges. In sex as in anything else, it's easier to be or even just appear mainstream. Tying someone up with some cheap handcuffs might seem turbo-vanilla, but to the year-old married couple who haven't had sex with the lights on in 12 years, it's kinky as hell. As even a light bondage enthusiast could tell you, 50 Shades of Grey is not an accurate representation of BDSM, let alone a reliable representation of the entire realm of kinks out there.
That depends on whom you ask. There's not much to work with because vanilla is defined by what it isn't, rather than what it is. The hottest move your sex life can steal from kink isn't handcuffs, it's discussion. Initially used by the kink community to indicate in what seems to have been a largely non-judgmental way the "norm" from which they deviated, it is now widely used as a catchall phrase denoting sex free of the bells and whistles of kink. Sexual preference can't be faked at least not well or to everyone's mutual pleasure , and the couple playing around with a set of fuzzy handcuffs might get some thrill out of feeling "bad" for an evening, but those cuffs will quickly end up in the junk drawer with the all the crumpled receipts and paint stirrers incidentally a fantastic DIY stand-in for spanking paddles if it's just not their thing. The issue with understanding vanilla—the supposed "standard," mainstream version of sex—is that its definition is relative. The kind of sex The Cleavers probably had, if they had it at all. Monica Heisey is a writer from Toronto. Feeling like things are lagging in the bedroom? No one's sex life is exactly like anyone else's, and as such, to try to classify one type of sex as standard or basic is ridiculous. Not a notoriously imaginative bunch to begin with, the vanilla-identified sex havers of the world are buying the suggested sex toys and other accessories in droves, reinforcing the time-honored truth that making people feel ashamed of themselves is a great way to sell basically anything. It's worth noting that any fear or self-consciousness felt by those participating in vanilla sex is not the same as the real, actual stigma facing practitioners of kink. Not everyone who is into power play is into water sports; not everyone who likes it missionary likes it with the lights off. Buy some silk boxers! Because their way of sex, rightly or wrongly, is not considered the default, the kink community has had to develop an incredibly specific and far-reaching vocabulary with which to discuss and examine wants, desires, and actions. So what's the problem with vanilla sex? And that, I think, is what's missing from vanilla sex. Rihanna , " the Internet, " smartphones, and almost inevitably, the million copies sold worldwide of 50 Shades of Grey. The frustration of vanilla—this constant quest to kinkify normative sexual relationships—seems to be the result of people's actual sexual practices and desires butting up against the idea that there is one unified, normative way that "most" people have sex. It is perhaps because of this definition-ingrained lack that self-help books and relationship therapists and articles constantly suggest you "spice up" your vanilla sex life by taking a page out of EL James' terrible yet ubiquitous book. In sex as in anything else, it's easier to be or even just appear mainstream. The absolutism of the fight against vanilla sex it's never just like "have fun with it! No toys, no power play, no costumes, no imagined identities, safe words, or porn. If I'm not kinky, a year-old straight woman who only watches lesbian porn asks, why am I so interested in the idea of a threesome? KINK Kinky sex is back. Sorry if that sounds kind of vanilla. If I'm supposed to be the default, the married man wonders, why do I want my wife to peg me sometimes?
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